I find myself in a season of wandering, a season of searching for meaning and purpose. My attempts to satisfy my soul with earthly accomplishments, go unfulfilled. I walk with an emptiness and a void in my heart. Fulfillment and satisfaction are far from me and I cannot find my life no matter how hard I try. I am tired and I am defeated, my strength has failed me, my independence has failed me, my wit has failed me. I cannot go on this way, the memories and pain of my past are coming back and they are rushing into my heart and mind and breaking through all the walls and barriers I’ve built. My emotions are shaken, I portray someone who is unbreakable, but right now at this moment I am breaking.. I am breaking in my mind and in my heart.
Pardon my rebellion and the way I have ran away from you, My Lord. But you know this is what I do when things get hard and when I have never had the ability to trust in anyone or anything. My whole life has been one of survival, so I ask for your grace as I have never known to be dependent on anyone.
I sit here weeping and I am desperate. Every tactic to survive and move past the wounds in my heart have failed. They are no longer effective and I can no longer mask the issues of my heart. I have nothing left so pull me from this pit of despair, My Lord. I know you require no explanations nor will you issue any judgements, forgive my stubbornness and meet me here in my desperation. Embrace me in your perfect love and wash away the dirt and grime where I have fallen on my face time and time again in my efforts to find my own life and live my own way. I had been searching for life and never found it because this entire time it has been hidden in you.
Lord, deliver me from this darkness and this pain because I realize that If I am standing here today, choosing you, it is because you have chosen me first. Deliver me from the turmoil in my life and the wounds in my soul. My call to follow you is a call that is irrevocable because my life has never been my own. There is no turning back for me because I will not make it without you. I will serve you all the days of my life, My King. Give my heart a new song and give my tired soul life. Do this for me, for this is the first time in my life I have placed all my trust and dependence on you, I know you will come through for me because this is what you do, you rescue those who are broken-hearted and those who are crushed in spirit. My Lord, show me your glory, show me who you are and let me see your hand in my life, rescue me and I will live the rest of my days to tell of your goodness, to tell of your grace, and to tell of your unending love.